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Page M10 April 25, 1990. This Week

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HUMOR... 4

Sure shot grandma

t is bad manners to ask who the baby
looks like. If the truth were told, most
newborns are the spitting image of Ko-
jak. Their hairline goes all the way back
to the diaper area. The eyebrows have the
slightly raised who-do-you-think-you’re-
fooling look. The mouth is

ing for his six gun. Passersby scatter and lie
low until the smoke clears.

Death by boredom is a tedious way to go.
The best defence is to carry a wallet loaded
with baby shots. Whip it out at the least |
provocation. They'll respect you when they —

always questing for a cigar to

know you’re armed.
If you are taken unawares,

fill it. Remarking that the kid

(perhaps you have surfaced

looks like his daddy is not

always a compliment to the

The one matching the Kojak
look-alike with the fellow who

daddy’s nose”, she coos. “Look,
he’s got two nostrils. All our
side of the family has two
nostrils.”

Chances are, the other side

By JOAN MYLES

from a deep sea dive and the
boat’s captain offers to let you
climb aboard after you’ve
looked at his pictures), you
must defend yourself with
your tongue. If you admire the
delivery room pictures, you'll ~
be expected to enjoy the first
bath pictures. Say something
discouraging the first time,
and they'll go looking for eas-
ier prey when the christening
album is complete.

of the family has noses too.
When grandparents study a baby they are
looking for themselves.

It is possible that they see things that aren’t

there. Only a grandfather
could mistake cradle kicking
as the preliminary skating
strides of a Wayne Gretzky
follow up. A granddaughter’s
colic is no indication that she
will make a career in opera.

Because they are not in-
volved in the diaper changing
and floor walking they have
more time to boast. They get
away with it because they
have pictures as proof. A
grandparent reaching for his
photographs can clear a room
as fast as a gunfighter reach

Let’s hear it for Schmoos

“We manipulate nature as if we were
stuffing an Alsatian goose. We create new
forms of energy; we make new. elements;
we kill crops; we wash brains. I can hear
them in the dark sharpening their las-

ers.
fellow by the name

“Have you thought of buy
ing her a wig?” is a nice touch. It acknowledg-
es a grandparent’s right to purchase silly
things, while pointing out that the kid has no

hair. Follow it up with “Baby
birds don’t have feathers
when they are first hatched,
either. I’m sure she'll grow out
of it.”

If that seems to negative,
try “With legs that far apart,
the little fellow won’t have
trouble riding a horse.”

Most often, though, they
catch you unprepared and you
blurt out something like “How
adorable! Who does he look
like?”

Don’t come crying to me
when they invite you to watch
the videos.

OS ee a ee

|

2
Falls is busy in there, growing square trees.
Well, sure . . . just good business sense,
when you think about it. Round trees are
wasteful. When you turn ’em in to straight- —
ened timber, about forty percent of the log
winds up on the sawmill floor. Scientist Falls
has been monkeying around

of Erwin Chargoff

with saplings, stimulating

wrote that in a mag-

them to grow extra wood cells

zine called Colum-
bia Forum. What amazes me
is that he wrote it more than
20 years ago, long before he
could possibly have heard of:

Somatotropin.

Square trees.

Egg advertising.

Nope, I didn’t make any of
those three things up. Scien-
tists did. And stories about
their discoveries turned up in
recent editions of my newspa-

UT

Basie-Black

By ARTHUR BLACK

at four points of their growth,
rings — squaring the circle, —
as it were. Says Falls “even if
there’s only a five percent
increase, that would translate
into millions of dollars.”

Then there’s somatotropin
— a growth hormone Cornell
University researchers say

‘ will do for cows udders what
| Stanazolol did for Ben John-
son’s hamstrings. Somatotro-
pin increases a cows milk pro-

per.

Not on the front page, you understand.
These aren't important stories like Bill Van-
der Zalm’s latest Meech Lake pipedream or
an update on the ongoing Harold and Yolanda
Soap Opera — a.k.a. The Old and the Sense-
less. No, these stories merely threaten to
change the way you | live — hence their
relegation to Section C, Page 37, right next to
the Truss ads.

Since we're in the ad department, let’s take
a look at the last phenomenon first: egg
advertising.

This brave leap forward comes to us from
Golden Eggs Inc., an Israeli Company that
claims to have perfected a method of imprint-
ing advertising slogans, brand names — even
commercials — onto the shells of regular,
everyday store-bought eggs. Rafi Orel, presi-
dent of Golden Eggs is ecstatic. “You can’t
ignore it when you open the refrigerator. It’s
shouting at you, Here I am!’ ”

Indeed. Just what I need when, bloodshot of
eye and baggy of bathrobe, I groggily wrench
open the frige door in the pre-dawn gloom: a
chorus line of Grade A medium ovoid Rock-
ettes doing a Can Can rendition called “Here I
Am!

How to find relief from my strident eggs —
a quiet walk in the woods? Not likely. Robert

duction by a whopping 25 to
30 percent.

There’s an interesting double standard in
play here: athletes caught using growth hor-
mones are in disgrace. When Hlsie the Cow
shoots up we feed the result to our kids.

Interesting economic theory in play here S
too: dairy farmers are already failing because
of a glut of milk on the market. So we plan to
goose the volume another 25 percent?

Square poplars. A hard boiled egg in my
breakfast egg cup with “BUY KODAK!”
stamped on its shell. Weary Holsteins gush-
ing milk like so many black and white fire
hydrants.

You know, ‘way back when eggs were tasty,
milk was rich and trees were in charge of
themselves, a cartoonist by the name of Al
Capp invented an animal called the Schmoo.
The Schmoo was about the size and shape of a
bowling pin. They were friendly, bred like
minks and best of all, could become any kind —
of food you wanted, from flapjacks to filet'®
mignon.

We’ve been herding and breeding and prun-
ing and cross-pollinating plants and animals
for millenia. I think it’s the Schmoo we've «
been after all along.

Of course, the Schmoo is nothing more than
a fantasy. A cartoon invention .. . so -