Page 6 July 11, 1990. This Week

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MODERN LIVING

KE

Bad manners among lawyers not an asset

EAR MISS

MANNERS — I

happen to work

in one of the
professions in which being
rude often gets results
when being polite does not.
lam a lawyer.

Ofcourse many lawyers are
polite and respond well to
courtesy. But a significant
number interpret courtesy as
a sign of weakness and insist
on a level of intimacy that
would make a talk-show host

\iss=ViGnners:

By JUDITH MARTIN

blush. Ordinary formality
(such as the use of “Mr.” or
“Ms.”) is interpreted as an
ominous threat and treated
accordingly.

Male colleagues at co-ed
luncheons give detailed descrip-
tions of the conception and
delivery of their children. Supe-
riors comment publicly on ordi-
nary costume jewelry (pearls!)
and hair color. An executive
recruiter tells me that a prospec-
tive employer is on anti-
psychotic medication. An
interviewer informs me that an

acquaintance has left his
employ because she had a men-
tal breakdown as a result of her

job. Married peers (men)
regularly ask me if I am now
dating anyone.

Receptionists snap: “You
weren't cut off. You were discon-
nected.” Adversaries hang up in-
stead of politely saying, “See you
in court.”

And it isn’t just me. A friend,
who is also extremely proper,
recently received an unbelievab-
ly personal and obscene letter
from an adversary.

I'm beginning to suspect that
one must be willing to roll in the
mud in order to practice law. But

- I just cannot stoop to this level.

I don’t expect miracles and I
don’t expect to substitute cour-
tesy for competence. But it
seems to me that unless we
maintain some standards, the
profession will become un-
bearable.

GENTLE READER — A
great many people do believe
that the profession is becoming
unbearable, Miss Manners
regrets to say. These people do
not need lawyers to defend them
from the results of making such
a charge. They are lawyers.

In bar associations all over, lit-
tle Miss Mannerses (not that
you'd immediately recognize
them as such) are busy drawing
up etiquette guides (not that
they necessarily call them that)
for the legal profession. It is not
only the occasional incident

where lawyers have resorted to

fisticuffs that has upset them; it ©

is a general deterioration of the
standards of what should be a
gentlemanly and ladylike, albeit
tough, profession.

Miss Manners must gently
point out that you, too, suffer
from the idea that rudeness is a
professional asset, although you
don’t want to indulge in it.

Nonsense. Judges, juries and
clients respond to politeness and
are offended by rudeness. And
lawyers could not use rudeness
to intimidate other lawyers
without their cooperation. You
should stop cooperating. It is as
much your privilege to insist “I
prefer to be addressed as Ms.
Blackburn” as it is another
lawyer’s request “Call me Joe.”
It seems to Miss Manners to be
professional weakness if you
simply yield and let him make
the rules.

Personal revelations and
questions should be treated as
irrelevant. “I don’t care to dis-
cuss it” or “Tl let you continue
your gossip, but I have to get

pack to work” may be said polite-
y.

And when someone indulges
in violations of professional con-
fidence to you, the least you can
do is to respond: “Oh, really? Is
he making that ‘public
knowledge?”

Indeed, the law, like most
professions is, as you say, tough.
Miss Manners would think that
anyone practicing it successfully
would have to have the strength
to set her own standards and not
give in to bullies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS —
How should I decline an invita-
tion to a bridal luncheon that
says: “I will attend — $25

“Unable to attend — $107?

GENTLE READER —
Having spent a lifetime trying to
persuade people to answer their
social invitations, Miss Man-
ners cannot find it in her heart
to browbeat anyone into paying
an unauthorized bill.

DEAR MISS MANNERS —

Chances are my husband will
die before I do: I am 71, and he

is 84. All my family, four
brothers and one sister, live
2,000 miles from us. When the
time comes, would it be proper
for me to tell them not to come
because of the expense?

The airport is an hour’s drive
from here. We live in a very
small apartment, so they would
have to go to a hotel, plus pay for
the cabs. Would they feel
obligated? Would they feel hur'#
if I told them not to come?

GENTLE READER — How
ever practical it may seem t
anticipate bereavement, Mis:
Manners wishes to discouragi

you from doing so. This is not 01
the grounds of taste, but becaus
emotions are unpredictable
When the death actually occurs
you may well crave the comfor
of having your family with you.

Ifyou still feel, when announc
ing the death, that you can spar
their presence, gently tell ther
that their appearance at thi #
funeral is less important to you
than a real visit later. This
would enable them to make the
choice of attending or not, a
decision which you should ac-
cept gracefully.

When you go out in.
the woods today...

an you remember the words
to Teddy Bear’s Picnic? I
get halfway through and
then fumble on the “see

them gaily playing there” part.
It is essential that I get the words right
because I sing it continually when we are out

Teddy Bear’s Picnic, however, is perfect. I
can march slowly while singing off key.

I've got to sing something. When hiking in
bear country, it is only fair to warn’the bear
that I am on the trail. As the hiking books
advise, we each have a tiny camel bell tied
to our packs so that it tinkles with each step.
Bears are afraid of camels, and if one thinks

in the woods. My mumbling is
causing my hiking companions
to throw dirty looks and sticks
my way. Hither I learn the
words or I'll have to carry the
lunch in my pack every trip.

Sure, there are other hiking
songs, but I can’t think of them
in pressure cooker situations.
When I am out in the woods,
carrying salmon sandwiches, I
believe there is a bear behind
every tree, so only bear songs
come to mind.

When I am at home and calm
I prepare a program of hiking

songs, but on the trail there is something
wrong with every one of them. Many of them
call for yodelling. I only yodel in the car, with

the windows up.

Some have tempos that tangle my feet. The
one with the “Val de ree, val de raw” refrain
is especially bad, because it requires me to
walk really fast to keep with the beat.
Travelling uphill, it almost killed me.

a whole herd of them is com-
ing, he'll split.

There is always the dange®.

Ei JS AG that a stupid bear will mis-
: Ef e take a camel bell for a cow bell

and come looking for dinner.
To prevent such a visit, we
talk loudly. When we tire of-
talking, we sing. All the out-
door enthusiasts recommend
it.

What makes them assume
that bears are afraid of music?
Have they never heard of the |
famous dancing bears in the
Moscow circus? Perhaps there

av

By JOAN MYLES

are singalong bears too.

My fear is that some day I will be singing
as I march along the trail and a bear will
start to hum along. “You’re sadly out of
tune,” he'll say. “Those aren’t the right
words,” he’ll correct. “Don’t you know any
other songs ?Pick up the beat. I can’t dance
to that.”

No wonder I’m afraid of bears.

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