This Week July 18, 1990. Page M5 MODERN LIVING Etiquette frowns on common bigotry at he word should be out by now, Miss Manners would have thought, that | godult society will no longer ‘tolerate the open expres- sion of bigotry. Every week there seems to be another painful story about a career that is ruined be- cause some prominent person has made on ob- viously prejudiced remark. Yet those caught never fail to be surprised that a nega- tive generalization about people based on their race, religion, gender or national origin could offend the tar- a *=NViss-Meanners: By JUDITH MARTIN @Szeted group, much less the > society at large. Stunned, they make one of the following replies: “You see? Theyre oversensi- tive.” “Can't anybody take ajoke any more?” “You shouldn’t listen to what I s® when I'm angry, because I get out of control.” “Everybody knows I'm not a bigot, so I can say what I want.” “IT was only saying what everybody else thinks.” “Well, their objections inter- fere with my freedom of speech.” __ These people have reckoned without the power of etiquette. They think they can do anything they wish as long as it’s not il- legal. Woe unto them, Miss Manners murmurs darkly. Unfortunately, this stance is particularly prevalent on college campuses. Administrators who believe in freedom of speech with all their hearts (as does Miss Manners) seem stymied when that is cited on the side of incivility and intolerance. Dedi- cated to the airing of all points of view, they nevertheless realize that nobody can teach or learn in an atmosphere of hate and harassment. Well, of course not. Civilization cannot function without a sys- tem of etiquette that prevents us from living in state of mutual antagonism, even though it is true that law cannot condemn this without endangering freedom. In situations where members of the society do not have the maturity to enforce restraints upon themselves, those charged with looking after their welfare must make explicit etiquette rules binding on anyone who freely elects to participate in their community. Universities have always had some sorts of restrictive rules. One of the pleasures of attending college reunions is recounting how one got around these rules, and bemoaning the fact that the rules have been softened for cur- rent students. : Etiquette has always been the primary force in charge of ban- ning offensive speech that does not actually constitute an imme- diate danger, although Miss Manners admits that it has not always done as vigorous a job of enforcing this as it should have. Law has a difficult time stop- ping people from wounding one another with words. It can, in its weighty way, prosecute people for slander and libel, and, with more difficulty, mental cruelty and harassment. But anything short of this is not apt to be covered. Etiquette should also make sure it is not condemning anyone unfairly. The weapon of social disapproval, while less threatening than fines or jail, is a powerful one and should notbe abused. : But etiquette acts swiftly, having little trouble telling the difference between a genuine joke or legitimate observations, and an insult. As its concern is maintaining civil surface be- havior, itis deaf to excuses about anger or the honesty of express- ing offensive thoughts. The past record of a presumed offender in fighting bigotry certainly counts in establishing that the remark may have been misinterpreted, but it does not give license to transgress current standards. The argument that criminal intent is mitigated by one’s psychological state has not made much of a dent on eti- quette, which doesn’t really believe that other people can shove words in your mouth. DEAR MISS MANNERS — We received an engraved invita- tion to an open house in honor of a young couple. There was no mention of an engagement or mariage. In the lower right-hand corner of the invitation were the words “silver, china, crystal.” Is this the ultimate in tacki- ness and a major breach of eti- quette? Also, shouldn’t open houses be held after a couple marries and not before? GENTLE READER — Who says these people are getting married? As Miss Manners un- derstands it, they are merely shopping for silver, china and crystal. You may co-operate with them in this enterprise or not, as you choose. There is such a thing as the legitimate open-house party, not to be confused with a wedding reception. At an open house, often held to welcome friends to a new house, guests do not re- quire their hosts to produce a marriage certificate. On the other hand, there is no such thing as a legitimate social event at which hosts demand outright that guests furnish their houses. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My husband and I were married in a foreign country. When we returned home, we sent out an- nouncements but did not have a reception. The responses we got from the announcements were varied. Could you please tell me what an appropriate response would have been (e.g., gift, cash, card or a combination). We were not registered. GENTLE READER — You got varied responses because you sent your announcements to a variety of people. That is at it should be, and Miss Manners is not going to deal with any sub- texts about feeling cheated out of loot. A wedding announcement re- quires only a letter of con- gratulation. However, people who are particularly close to and fond of the couple often take that opportunity to send a symbolic representation of their affection. Do It For Your Heart...Do Nautilus CLUB... an official sponsor of the Heart & Stroke Foundation Coastal History. At some point many of us only dreamed about living on Vancouver Island. Now that you're finally here you'll want to discover our Island paradise. Our wide selection of books include: “Coastal History’, “Flynn's Cove’, “Piper's Lagoon’, “A Dream of Islands’; and many more. : For Victoria's largest selection of BC. topic books (over 750 titles), we're the place! Drop in and browse at: 546 Yates Street, Victoria, BC. Phone: (604) 386-4636; Fax: (604) 386-0221 ¢a All major credit cards accepted. Mention this ad for 10% off your next purchase. ih ai, Ge. ra A "ce @ Nat \ NauliluS introduces Have A Heart Membership | 90 90 down per month DUAL CLUB MEMBERSHIP Unlimited Aerobics and Weights A SAVINGS OF 60% * with every new membership — Nautilus Club will make a donation to the Heart & Stroke Foundation.