Patricia | Humphrey, © MS.W. og be ip Two close friends sat talking over coffee with the natural ease that grows out-of a long and initmate friendship. Suddenly they burst into infectious laughter, letting it well up, savoring the feelings, prolonging the intensity, watching each other’s faces for the signs of delight that kept the pleasure rolling. As they left the restaurant, one spontancous- ly draped an arm around the other’s shoulder in a flow of affection. Two days later these same friends met again. This time the conversa- tion led them .into a difference that angered each of them. The com- munication shut-down was instantaneous. Faces locked into tight ‘masks. They stopped looking at eachother directly. Bodies stiffened. Voices grew taught and silence hurried in to fill the emptiness. They - left-abruptly, each rigid with ire and hurt, heading in separate direc-. tions. oe at Our society encourages spontaneity and intensity only when they are... experienced via ‘‘good feelings’’. But even in intimate relationships the feeling of anger — as natural and legitimate as the feelings of : ~ amusement and affection — may be considered taboo: eee Oe ~ Dr. George Bach, author of The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair, in Love and Marriage, describes anger as ‘‘the basic emotional and physiological reaction against’ interference with pursuit of a desired: ~ goal and as an expression of strong concern when things go wrong.” ~ We enthusiatically support the expresion of pleasure and relief if we. reach a desired goal. We applaud outbursts of joy and affection when things go successfully, but. with equal. vehemence, we deny. ourselves and others the opportunity to experience and deal with our feelings-of. anger. Those who are committed to repudiating or capping their angry feel- ings explain that anger. is immature, shameful, dangerous or un- dignified, and that expressing anger is the mark of a weak or irrational. person. . What happens to. them jin intimate relationships when. their in- ~dividual rhythms do not coincide with their partner’s and the dishar- mony gives rise (o mutual frustrtions and tensions? | “Some people feel guilty that. they’ve had feelings of upset, disap- '-pointment and anger. They wonder if they’re inadequate or bad © fe becatise no matter how matter how hard they try, things don’t always. go. smoothly. Sometimes, denying that they have such feelings, people develop:very creative and ingenious ways of masquerading their irrita- ee HONS ue _\-There are those that bottle up and blow up, frequently surprising realize they were stockpiling. | out perfectly flat. “stamps, Don't run the, tap: water an. the stamps, Pick out.all the: “coloured: paperand: soak them \ould like to-get a stamp collec: ting pen pal. You might be sur- Sea eee tet Natur iets aces ~~ prised how many replies.you will: —If-any stamps do stain throw” g Sh SMART Bey ene teed them: away as it is: difficult: to. - 4} remove the stains, The colours in agg Sa | if te “separately. as paper dyes. often. runand stain the stamps. ~~ the stamps. themselves are very fast and have never seenone of these colours rum, TE is the coloured envelope. deed, lsameemaiatin errs ral temetaaat Chapel af Roses. © CHAPEL SERVING G5 00" i SEU Mey ee. 8 says (aes “COMPLETE SERVICE PULL, CHOTCE: AM Seine Depend on. Scands, CA Me tithing Saclety oo membership fee eo eam eabhe toward Our’ Gee eles ENRAVIGIE ALE Fee troceu nomen nia (Wd Hromvoeeoemennai mice onyommre imine reseiaNl ennaicer rl AaOn nan iaebetetrae Sa. 1 haath i ¥ 2eeq yal ena ee ee ee eed ee sGorlo.the find .out. the. name ‘some -newpapers. in New. Zealand, — - Write.a letter.to the editor of one. of them: or all: if'you wish, tell them your age and that you. A few. cautions about soaking “paper ineluding the brown paper. off parcels. that does the dirty ~ toria, oy Knows lots about stamps, She is 9° What be ther g ee become a world famous artist? YOUR COMMUNTIY oo. : O502932 388-5155. || | . and shaming themselves by outbursts of rage that: they didn’t even» Others specialize in subtle low blows - psychological razor cuts that ‘public library. gets “~~ Make your letters to them as ine. teresting: as “you can =" write about your school, home, your. hobbies, sete.” Send a snap. ‘of. yourself. It can be real fun. oo Freey Frees Free, = any child’) who. would like. a: 1982° Scott “Canadian Stamp Catalogue ga to Fort Stamps, 841 Fort St, Vie- and ask Linda for a. d: ve OBS es gs catalogue, She is a very nice and SPTOUy OO, coe Social : recreation snack and juice break, at i i bal in-their families. Ot “or crayon, produce on.a white - Print your name, age, school ~~ original) work, and mail your Soelal. recre for children ages 3 to 4 CEE ges ~ Panorama .|s pleased to offer this exciting new proschool program | “to ald your. pereschoolor In their physical, social and emotional - ~ growth as an idividual and. as a group member. fot eee, Rie are ‘Tho 2 hour sossion will bo {illod with ‘opon’ activities that will be - gato, interesting, challonging and at: the right: stage tor, the ~childran’s development, all held in a space designed for kids. | Arts and crafts, outdoor activities, story lime, music, movement and actlva gamos will bo offered with a now thome each wook, | “Each day will also include a s mori uirgarloss, nutritlous: ml © Rogistration Starts DEC. 15,1984 h PANORAMA | Nai LEISURE CENT noes GSO ZT Viet THE REVIEW can’t be predicted and that are nearly impossible to retaliate against. Or there are the silent ones who withdraw into their own internal - prison. Sometimes they lose the key and can no longer escape. More frequently they dart out long enough to engage in sudden furious war- fare before slamming themselves back into solitary. What happens when people can’t discuss what’s really: bothering them is that often they’ll quarrel about irrelevant issues. That relieves their internal pressures, but solves no problems. They may be the peo- ple who have circular quarrels where each partener knows. all the dialogue and in advance understands that the ending will be no: more productive than it’s ever been. (Even after 30 years of marriage, my parents periodically repeated a threadbare argument about their wed- ding gifts) ~ Many couples whom | know express shame that they do get angry ‘and quarrel with each other, believing that they are unique in some horrible way. os And there are.those who say with pride! ‘‘We never have a cross word!’’. Usually they have very few words of any kind, and live together for reasons unconnected to affection, respect and intimacy. They may. be exquisitely bored with each other, or they may lead carefully separated lives. Each may suffer intense loneliness and despair, or such isolation may have ceased to be painful. , At the other extreme are couples who by virtue of temperament or learning are mismatched, called by George Bach the dove andthe hawk, Seldom do they resolve basic differences because their quarrels revolve around the issue of quarreling ... what’s:a good enough | reason to be angry, who’s right or more righteous, who can yell lounder or sulk longer, and the basic bottom line of. who's really to. blame! aera Ba vee ae What do: you believe about anger? Is ita natural and degitimate: response to frustration or fear.or pain? Can the particular set of feel- ' ings be constructively used to promote growth? Does quarreling con- ‘stitute a.strategic set of skills that can be learned, even by those of us who have acquired destructive habits from our families? There are guidelines for expressing anger in-intimate relationships. ~ ~Make no mistake. It’s hard work to be open and disciplined all in one. smooth action. Here are some ideas: . eae ‘eConsider what your purpose is - do you want to resolve a dif- ference, unload. pent-up feelings, stop ill-treatment - what do you~ want out of this particular quarrel? .. eBe fair, There is no advantage to pushing your partner beyond their. : psychological tolerance, or.to huring others just for exercise. ~-8Focus on current issues. Leave outside or behind the other quarrels _ or upsets: that you may, be tempted to drag‘into. this one.to prove your. “points. - Pee spond ee eT Pee fea eet ae ~eListen. That seems to be the first natural resource to disappear in- heated exchange. Partners become so involved in making up their own retorts that they tune out the partner’s input. It’s a great way to totally: - lose track of what’s.going on. --eCall fora temporary time out if you recognize that you're no longer making much sense (even to yourself) or are feeling beyond your own — control. - 8 eRecognize that partner’s frequently have different levels of quar- ~~ relling skills. Some people learn how to be assertive and feisty. and-ver- cm n their hers learn that fighting is dangerous and can ~ ~~ lead'to violence. To have constructive exchange, both partners must ~~ ~~ realize. that their styles and training have been vastly different, and. ~The contest rules are simple Using paint, pastel, penci 4X6 or 5X7 card a Christmas, or. a winter scene that. you. think British. Columbians: will find “and.addresses in capital letters on ‘the back. of your entry, have a... parent, guardian or teacher cer- “tify that: itis really. your own ~ card,.. or, cards, to. Save..the en \ Children: Fund’.of B.C,, 325, ~ Howe St., Vancouver, V6C 127. -