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Thrifty’s) for displaying ©
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many friends for their

. Many. thanks to The’
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at Puppy Love Kennels |
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loving care. Monty:is now.
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a with two
~- wheels. :
. Three months liter:'o on my. z
- birthday, my wife. responded of
- |. with a similar insult and a hy-.-
. brid for me, an exact “His” ver--
“sion ofthe ZIPPER RIPPER.
*.. -(“His” meaning it has an °
» evil bar to be straddled in the ©
middle and endorsed by three ©

~ out of four: urological trauma :
Be surgeons)... : :
ye ‘learned later that the bikes oh

help. A special thanks to.
-all those who offered to.

PAGER: 260- Arar

recent promotion to
get our city to cycle
to work for a week

fh wtsent me scurrying
to the little cycle shop of hor-

rors in search of “something

for the outta shape, Advil
pumpin’, born again cyclist” as
the sales creature put it...

~ An hour later, and with
enough new frequent flyer
points on my VISA to fly my
entire family first-class around.
the world three times, I
-emerged with a real skookum

~ 21-speed “hybrid” bike for my

wife, the ZIPPER RIPPER (the

~ bike, not the wife). ot

Explained to me in terms I
preferred not to visualize, the

hybrid was the love child of a.
passionate affair between’ a
:. $quat. Mountain : Bike and a.

sleek 21-speed racing model
large, : Sasentet

- Strap

- work. After 38 -
>» or so -ad-

finally
"hooked the

ple.

_ cally in the breeze, I rippered —

encouraged me to ride to work
as it was such a reverent,
metaphysical time for her.

So challenged, the first nice
day of summer I jumped out of
bed and actually thought-
about riding the bike the 25
kilometres to work.

By. mid-summer I had
cleaned the bike, and as the
season came to aclose I finally’
mounted the beast.

And on the next day, I rode
it. .
~ By the time
I figured out
my © Official
-CSFH:. (chin
from
Hades) hel-
met, I was al-
ready. two’
hours late for

justments, I

strap to my af
Adam's ap- |
Wi it h? =
one -..lobe.

_ and the other flapping mania-

my: ‘ZIPPER down the drive-
way and was off.
_- Y now-realize that I live in
the hilliest region of the hilliest
town in the hilliest province in.
the- silliest country. in as
world. *

“with great glee only to crawl
up the other side for 30 min-

© -utes with my. rock hammer

“and pick ax. After several hills, -

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OS] was a babbling mass ‘of -:

manic depressive protoplasm.
‘I needed Lithium to smooth .
these hills out. s
Of ‘course with so many

_. grades I was able to try out all:

the gears — usually going -
-from second to 17th in one
shift and yanking the remain-
ing fibres of my hamstring
right off the bone...

The great safety of the
CSFH helmet was a real reas-
surance,

While climbing a hill with

~my head down, the helmet
would fall forward and dangle
off my nose, but when scream-

! a oe ' i
haa ‘f! he's

ea bh V4 io
vi ii i iY i AN 1 via" f

. Metorla, RC. VOW 2E1

plastered against my forehead :

eed rocket down the spine of
one slope in three seconds ©

: aricrt “ 1175 ST H

accent semi soma

ing down the backside of the
same hill, my helmet would
fling over my bare head and
lodge somewhere between
my Dowager’s hump and my -
tailbone, with the strap all but -.
garroting me whenever [hit
the slightest bump.

I’m sure our town leaders
had in mind some strange no-
tion of getting g the voter into
shape. and did not.issue the
“Cycle to Work” week as a.
_ competition.

This, how- -
ever, goes
against the
grain of the —
XY chromo- -
‘some, much
like lifting up
two ‘toilet.

seats at once. .

: The une
written:
‘rules cof
the road ©

“proviso.
sae that: “one
male shall
‘not pass ss afother without ase-
ious challenge. ‘

as. a Nike swish on wheel

 Dotenas but is also inhien! i

~ ent of any self respecting ‘XY
cyclist) a

“mined reflex found on the oth-
-erwise relatively bare ‘Y’ chro-
mosome right next to the TV
remote control gene. |

$45,000 Mach 3, complete

with driver’s side airbag and.

-Mars Pathfinder pedals.
Worst of all, the other XY’
(likely an xy) is wearing Span-
dex. Most. men I associate
_ with don't wear Spandex. Ac-
tually they couldn't wear Span-
“dex, it ain’t on the chromo-

some.

-Tnote his jachorneier photo

radar detector: and exhaust —

pipe. Not a good sign.
Instantly, however, J find

myself in hot pursuit of this...
steroid pumped (huff), Libyan

Neth A RA RR TOA

Buy a future 10%
income straam

- Province of Ontario.

i “Cal Joe Bourque,
Senior Investment Advisor
-953- S090 or 1+ RBR- 391, ON,

td

eh Un VM
Tt , ma i

‘was put to such a test: soon. :

‘Tt is a “genetically ‘deter

But never mind that, I was.’
just passed by a- 78speed, .

today = ata discount! _

Guaranteed Rotiroment Bond.

. RRSP and RRIF eligible

26 PENINSULA NEWS REVIEW COMMUNITY | _____ Wednesday, June 17, 1998
On’ YER BIKE . | | |

terrorist wv. ax murdering
(puff). .:... salmon ate

> spawn of Satan (grunt) ....
Politician.

Ashe becomes a dot on the.
horizon, Lreassure myself that
if I were his age, with his bike,
with his quads, his parents, *

-and his Spandex, Id clean his.
“clock.

But up ahead around the
corner, to my delight, - is an-
other, obviously slower, cyclist

also cursing the puff ofsmoke —

that cruised by him. Pedalling -
like mad .. .. bang. I blow his ©

doors ‘off,: ringing: my Buzz .

Lightyear bell victoriously.

Even if he is in his late 70s, .

hey, it feels good and I can’t
_ help but peer back at him to.
gloat — and make sure he.is-.
n't gaining on me.

~~ Tfinally pulli into work seven”
~ hours late, wipe the bugs off
my teeth, smooth my tattered -

right pant leg thathad become #

~ intimate: with ‘the ‘chain with:

- every gust « of wind, anid note

- the three pounds of grease

likely stuck permanently un- -
‘der my nails from putting. the .

-chain back on..
~ As | eased my ‘keyster gin. .

um «.. where’J udy wouldn't
“have the same problem. >
“Twas a eunuch! -

&

. “erly: off the: seat, however, :
‘sudden indescribable Panic
struck, as I discovered — : to
“my; absolute: ‘horror. — that I
“had no feeling in ‘my, well’.

aa rushed into: the’ men’s Ss:
room and was somewhat réas-
sured that Thadn’t derailed: all
_ my gears, but I certainly felt .
like I should undergo: some
_ Physiotherapy, s surgery or vac-
“uum extraction or something.
A male co-worker assured
‘me that all sensation would .

come back from CINN (Cycle © -

“reassurance,

‘Tam pleased to say that all.
feeling came back, as did my

voice,

And just in time for n me to
_ call my wife to come and pick

me up.

As heard on a crAXI070 a | satiate i pina : he i
wid “Rates as of June 12/98 and are gubject to change and svaiabitity.
Average annual yleld to maturity 6.00%" gs =

She 4 net yi

Miia

Induced Numb Nevermind).
syndrome.’ He explained that .
this is why male cyclists, after
riding any distance, can often
be seen occasionally going to
‘ the standing position with a
slight wiggle, whilst clearing
their throats in a deep, guttural

woe