“Whaaaad he say Mildred??”
“HE SAID YOU'RE DEAF, YOU OLD FOOL.”
“Tm dead???”

“NO BERT, NOT YET. “

“His ears are jammed with wax Mrs. Bloggins,” says I.

“T got jam on my slacks???” Bert yells back.

Warning: If reading about bodily fluids makes you at all queasy
or if the phrase “bodily fluids” itself induces violent waves of nau-
sea, perhaps’ this column is best not read at the dinner table. In
fact it is foolish to ever read medical columns in the vicinity of
tomato soup, cauliflower, refried beans or sushi.

With that out of the way, the subject of today’s column is, well,
EAR WAX (reich).

Ear wax, romantically referred to as cerumen, has been in

_derly cultured in your ear canal by mother nature fer a reason, so
leave it alone: € or those of you hard of hearing, SO: LEAVE IT
ALONE)... |

For the record, it is not bad stuff, it is good stuff. Cerumen is
made by special glands called plugger-uppers that live on the
outer third of your ear canal. It has three purposes to its sluggish
existence. First, it protects the very sensitive skin of your ear canal
from water and infections. Secondly, it protects your ear drum
from dirt and grit by trapping it before it gets to the drum, and fi-
nally, cerumen’s very raison d’étre is to drive normally decent peo-

_ ple to distraction in order to rotorooter it out with everything rang-
ing from Q tipsto pens.

- §o, ifit’s so good for us, why do we try a) hard to get it out? Per-

hapsitisa teleological thing that began when Eve wet the corner

of her fig leaf with her saliva and ramrodded it down Cain’s canal

to get out the wax, put there no doubt by the serpent. Or, perhaps,

our carcass that isn’t nailed down.

cS Ta ert ener nannoaet baie aires oO as

~> ear.”

“ear canal, unfortunately, i is

_in each ear and then lit! A

itis because Vv we have this innate desire to scrape ‘off anything from

. . Unfortunately, the practice oframming ‘bobby pins, fingernails
or AKA7’s into our ears is highly detrimental. Not only does it de-..
nude the ear of the protective cerumen, introduce micro cracks.
in the skin of the canal itself. (which get infected), but: it ‘also jams

oe ously, Don me a favor, will ya oo ust leave i iti in Lea

down to the doctor with
what i is actually called 9 tip

Warning: It seems : that
whenever there is an orifice
in the human body there are
“practitioners” willing — to
cleanse or irrigate it. The |

not immune.

Ear candling or coning is
one of those: ancient
Druid practices invented
by Chad A Tan whereby
the victim actually: has
hollow wax candles stuck:

vacuum is . created
wherein some ear wax, : —_
along with significant amounts of cerebella grey matter are
sucked into the hollow tube.

- The practitioner, meanwhile; dashes out of the room collapsing
in spasms of laughter, sobered only by the fact that they've just
made another $50. While some make a meagre amount of wax,
others make enough to plug up the entire canal (in Panama). In

-- some cases the natural process of wax removal does not work well

and the ear plugs up. But before going to the doctor, please apply.
olive or mineral oil to the ear canal for 3 days, and/or mix baking
soda with a couple of ounces of water and dump that in three times

~ aday for a couple of days. oe
Then see the doctor who will (retch, gag) gently flush your ear. au eee
‘Using a.3,000psi power washer the water is fired. into yourear

The Corporation of the Dist r Central Saanich
NOTICE

Effective May 1, 1998, all open fires are
‘subject to the following conditions:

a) all open fires require a permit;
- b) permit fees are $10.00 per permit;

c) burning days are Thursday, Friday and
until noon on Saturday only;

d) open fires shall be located at least 60
meters (200 feet) from any building or
structure, standing timber or brush;

e) open fires are-limited in size to not

greater than 1 meter (3 feet) in diameter;

f incinerator burning (domestic) is prohibited

between May 1 and November 1. :

Permits will be issued at the Fire Station, 1903
~ Mt. Newton-X:Road,- Monday. through sleet
8:30-a.m.. to 4: 00 P. m. (holidays excepted) ™
652- ete

Bruce C. Elvedah!
“ Fre Chief

whereby it strikes your drum and returns with the hated wax, un-- ee

less of course you happen to be an NDP politician in which. case
it comes flying out the other ear...

- And then of course there’s ol Bert who winks atn me as he :

glances at a ‘haranguing 1 Mildred and whispers sofily, pues seri-

2 WATCH FOR SIDNEY DAYS

= |COMING S\

: oe

June 28, 30, & July Ist.

Peninsula News Review:

| 2 Tes official: Highway 17 has been identified as.

~ way-—will be making life miserable for motorists
who speed or tailgate,

~ Save Lives program’ established. to. reduce

the speed corridor enforcement program
which began as a pilot project on the Sea to Sky

- highway back ‘in 1995—has cleared way for
more officers using laser guns to nab speeders
and tailgaters,...

In 1997, provincial police racked up 58,000
charges and written warnings, which translated
into 29 fewer traffic fatalities and 1,500 fewer in-
juries compared to 1996.

The 1998 campaign, according to the min-
istry of Attorney General, calls for more than
100,000 hours of regular traffic enforcement and
an additional 50,000 hours, of overtime. with
ICBC footing the ‘bill.

To date, police have issued more than 8,000
charges or warnings.

: ila. LA. rears
N\3. Flubber’

inh it wi i

: ning tally of how many tickets have ‘been issued
* ‘since the program. kicked off the last week of:

| ‘one. of 28 speed, corridors throughout ‘the’ ”
province, ‘which means local law enforcement—

at least the Sidney-North Saanich RCMP, any-
~~ pated,” he said Thursday, adding teams of two -

Part of the provincial government's | Drive to.

- crashes and keep a lid on auto insurance rates, ©

~ has yet to work out a compensation package \ with

On his detachment's involvement in the
speed cor ridor campaign, Sidney-North Saanich

or Richer or Poorer ‘a
7, Alien Resurrection |
8, Kiss the Girls
9, Anastasia | ;
lO. Seven Years in Tibet

R MP Staff Set Gary Lenz didn’t have arun-

April, but added they've nabbed a number of mo--

_torists traveling in excess of 150 krnin the 80 Km ~ si

zone.
“The speeds have been higher than I antici; -:).

officers, armed with two LTI 20-20 Lasers, will’ - :
be working Highway 17 for 35 hours a week
through until December. The LTI 20-20's, he

“adds, can determine the distance between vehi- .
 Cles up to one kilometer away.

“We're not hiding i in the ditch,” he says.
“We’ re right out in the open on the side ofthe
road. The program is designed to slow people —
down and reduce the carnage, and high visibil-
ityispart ofthat, ;

“As for the Central Saanich Police Service, ‘
chief George Lawson said Friday his detachment ..

ICBC that would put officers on the road,

“None of the’ municipal police departments:
are participating in the speed corridor at this —
time, The RCMP have struck a deal with ICBC,
but collectively that hasn't happened yet at our
end, I'm optimistic we'll he (out there), I'm a te-
tal supporter of reducing speeds on our roads,
‘it's just going to take a little more haggling in
ferms of dollars.”

| “aperaded
distribution |
areas.

~~ This years mage wine will offer new “and: ‘exciting ©

| photos & articles of interest to visitors and tourists
along with area maps and a calendar of events for”
local happenings throughout our A tourist season. ' |

TO BOOK YOUR SPACE IN THIS”
POPULAR MAGAZINE PLEASE CALL 656- 1 1 51.

onteersnn ty sep nero atten cm SmI a ANON EN HO HT

~ INCLUDES MACHINE
AND 2 DVD'S FOR
‘ONE NIGHT,

ete BR ae re So et oe Si

«
ears

as