aie

T his week:

Finishing touches

for the coastal

erby Squish depressed the H intercom button. , A. "Squirrel?"

"Yeah, boss?"

"You sure you actually watched Jovial get on the plane... and stay there?"

"Yeah boss."

“Excellent, Bring me coffee and a truck load of pencils... I’m going

_ fo finish this thing off today."

Squish hung up the phone. with snatches of "Oh, what a beautiful moming,” running through his head. Squirrel was the best secre- tary in the business. Highly effi- cient. Very Professional.

Squirrel wasn’t her real name of course. Herby had hung that handle on her “woodsy" 2x12 figure after watching the way she picked the nuts out of the fruit cake at last year’s office Christmas party.

"Quite a gal,” he muttered as he laid Jovial’s coastal Management and Working Plan out on the desk.

Herby was still recovering from the experience of finding his boss

plan

slouched motionless in an office

chair. But he knew Squirrel under- — f

stood. She would bring him. his coffee in a "tall" cup and place it gently in his shaking hands.

As the vision crossed his mind, Squirre! was there. The warm mug soothing his trembling hands. She was a magnificent girl. Even did

- her hair in a way that reflected the

strength of the tallest western hemlock.

"Thanks," he said quietly, slightly

embarrassed by the tone of voice

caused by her presence. But he recovered quickly.

"Let’s get down to work. There’s no way of knowing how long Jovial will play hide and seek with Weevil and Waffle before he tires of the game and returns. Let’s get this done while we can."

And as an afterthought: "What a character. All that over the export of a few chips. Wait'll he starts logging... He ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

Herby began to scan the draft report. Finding his place under Timber Management, he read,

"Section 2.251, Protection. By the terms of this Licence, a Fire Pre- organization Plan will be submitted

and updated annually." And then, .

"A commitment will be made to adhere to the 10 a.m. concept and to smoke management planning processes..."

Terrace Review — _ Wedinesdy, March 20, 1991 AT

concept was part of a union con- tract... Coffee break!"

"Oh." Squirrel looked a little uncomfortable. "I thought... What is it?" The pause in her voice went unnoticed.

"It’s a very simple concept," Herby began explaining. "As an

Squirrel jumped as Herby burst into laughter. "What an idiot," he choked. Squirrel scowled. "No, Not you," he apologized. Jovial. He thought the 10 a.m.

1 tid s

The Way I

See It...

by Stephante Wiebe

The way I see it, most of us have some sort of deviant food preference which totally disgusts those around us. Take pickled herring. Please.

Recently, someone inadvertently. rekindled my husband’s craving for pickled herring, a minor per- sonality defect I had been able to squelch for some time. But then we dropped in at a party, a seemingly harmless gathering — until he scanned the table crowded with food. As his eyes lit upon the plate of you-know- what, his pupils dilated with pleasure, and his lower lip dropped in awe. His hand began to tremble slightly as he reached toward the platter of fish. With a forced casual air, he asked hope- fully, "Oh look, is this pickled herring here?"

He never heard the reply. The fish was in his mouth, and he was lost in his own pickled- herring-ecstasy, chewing the pungent, fishy Flesh with an epicurean pleasure that could only be described as sinful. Aghast, I dragged him home.

The following day, he went to the deli. When he walked back into the house, the wild look in his eye told of horrors to come. He set the jar on the counter as I slowly backed away from him, shielding the children. Multering glecfully to himself, he unscrewed the lid and lifted out a fat, scaly, pickley grey specimen. 1 peeked from behind the safety of the living room couch, and caught sight of him as he laid the

revolting slab of spicy-vinegary fish across his tongue, and chewed. He closed his eyes and raised his face toward heaven, in a prayer of thanksgiving or for- giveness, I don’t know which — I said a quick prayer myself.

I can’t stand pickled herring. I think that as a child, I was psy- chologically traumatized by pickled herring. My brother, Jeff, had a particular liking for it, popping the odoriferous chunks - of grey fish into his mouth on a reguiar basis after school, Now, this boy had a cruel streak that manifested itself in food warfare — I once spent an hour scraping potato salad out of my hair. Any- way, one afternoon I innocently walked into the kitchen, a sweet young child looking for a normal snack. There was Jeff at the counter, his back to me, hunched over his precious jar of disgusting pickled fish. Suddenly, he turned. Horrified, I saw a large herting- slab hanging out of his mouth, as he grinned and lunged forward, slurping at his fish, shaking his head so it wiggled grotesquely. "Armgghhhhh!" Drops of fishy pickle juice splattered over me. The neighbours heard my tortured screams, but chose not to respond.

I have never gotten over it.

When my husband began his latest pickled herring frenzy, it all came back: the inlense odours, the pickled fish nightmares, yes, even the potato salad episodes.

Naturally, | responded in a mature, adult manner. Looking

him in the eye, I spooned mayon- naise into my mouth and stuck out my tongue, in an altempt to return any negative feelings — but he only cringed slightly in distaste. Pouring maple‘syrup on my scrambled eggs brought a . mild response, and he was immune to my cold spaghetti. There’s no food I can bear to consume that disgusts him the way his fish disgusts me. That revolting jar is still haunting the fridge.

There are others suffering with similar food dysfunctions. One man smears his bread with bacon fat and gnaws on bovine hooves. An otherwise normal woman eats furry blue cheese — yes, coloured food that needs a shave. I can’t describe what she does with bananas and ketchup. And then there’s the man who chops sardines into his scrambled eggs. Nauseating, I know — I had to force myself to write the words.

Extensive reseatch indicates that 92 percent of local residents consume something disgusting on a regular basis. Imagine the con- tinual suffering of those nearby — a support group is forming.

I have a theory to explain this deviant behaviour. Some micro- scopic enzyme forms in bizarre food combinations, producing a chemical change to one’s taste buds. Just one taste of a weird side dish results in mutant buds, which invoke uncontrollable cravings for revolting substances — a scientific phenomenon.

Perhaps with the upcoming science fair, some bright, enter- prising student will document this repulsive food pattern.

Yeah, that’s it, with charts and graphs and statistics — what a great idea — and a table featur- ing samples of the offending concoctions.

1’ll supply the fish.

example, if a fire were spotted today, Ministry of Forests and

no. industry accepted standards would

require that it be extinguished, totally, by 10 a.m. tomorrow."

"Oh," Squirrel acknowledged

"What an idiot," Herby repeated. -

Squirrel scowled.

Herby sunk into his chair and went back to the draft copy of the report, this time reading quietly to himself.

Any fires wouldn’t go undetected. long, according to the plan. Proximity of the licence area to Terrace and local transportation corridors, plus the Ministry of Forests Lightning Detection Sys- tem, would take care of that. And a fuel management plan for speci- fic cut blocks was included in each five-year development plan.

Also, there might be some slash burning on a broadcast basis (to meet silvicultural and protection hazard abatement objectives as stated in the approved Preharvest Silviculture Plan) but, if required, on-site weather stations would be located prior to burning and read- ings would be recorded daily. Landings would be burned only during late fall when the fire hazard is moderate to low. And site-specific control measures would be incorporated into all burning plans.

With fire protection covered, Herby once more began reading aloud. "Section 2.252, Pests," he read. "Jovial Logging Inc. is com- mitted to the detection and control, if required, of insects and disease on all chart areas held under the Forest Licence.

"The company will submit a short and long term Pest Manage- ment Plan annually to the District Manager when requested. This plan will cover pest prevention, detection, control and management and personnel training."

And, "The logging priority is to remove all merchantable infected and highly susceptible stands as quickly as possible. Felled and bucked inventory will always be kept to a minimum to avoid insect build-up."

Herby then covered a couple of minor sub-sections, "Recreation" and “Access Management and Research". In general, under Access Management and Research Jovial was agreeing to support and assist the Ministry of Forests in any research projects they chose to do. And under Recreation, he was saying that logging roads would be open to the public at all times. Except, of course, where fire hazard, theft, or vandalism required that be implement ministry- approved contro] measures.

Then there was Section 3.00, Other Forest Resources. Basically, this was nothing more than a recap of a portion of Section 1.20 where it was stated that management goals and resource protection dur- ing logging would be integrated into the total development of the chart area.

As far as fish were concerned, roads would be maintained and effectively ditched, and road con- struction would be done in a way that would minimize any water disturbance. In other words, log- ging would occur away from drainage areas, and logging debris would be kept out of permanent water Courses.

Also, large openings would not straddle permanent water Courses, but be completely on one side or the other. And logging and con- struction equipment would not allow their fuels or oils to be deposited on the ground and washed into water courses.

Water values would be main- tained through the protection of fish habitat. And in part this included the statement: “Logging would stop at the definite break or drop-off into a drainage to prevent excessive site disturbance."

Then there was recreation: "Every effort will be made to landscape cut blocks into the sur- rounding countryside to avoid adverse visual impact in areas of high visual sensitivity." And, "Log- ging roads will remain open to the public, providing no adverse condi- tions develop." Adverse conditions, of course, including those already named, Fire, theft and vandalism.

The setting aside of specific recreational sites was neither pro- mised nor required. But it was stated: "...existing sites will not be

' disturbed.” And the protection of

cultural values was easily covered:

"Cultural values have been con-|

sidered but none are known to exist in the chart areas." And wildlife... That was easy

too. "At present there are only minor populations of deer and moose," stated the plan, "and it is

— Continued on page AY